Let me reintroduce myself...

I saw this amazingly inspiring post over on Lulu & Sweet Pea's blog and knew that this was a direction I needed to go with my post tonight. I was just rambling last night about all of these things that I used to be and gave virtually no regard to who I am now. So tonight I am going to share things about myself that you may or may not want to know about me. Here goes nothing...

• I am a mother to a 14 year old daughter and 11 year old son. 
• I am a stepmother to a 14 year old daughter and 11 year old son. (Yes I wrote step in front of mother but not in front of my relationship with them, because they are my children and the word step doesn't define my relationship with them.)
• My Mister is in the military so I am Household Six 
• I'm a stay at home mom. I don't love it, but I am sure I will miss it when I go back to work. 
• I'm a graduate student and will be starting my 30 hour/week internship next week. Good luck me! 
• I love nail polish and to paint my nails. I hate chipped polish and I just can't get down with it.
• I love makeup! It makes me feel beautiful.
• I have deep set eyes and cannot pull of winged eyeliner. Therefore, I live vicariously through my daughter and her winged liner. 
• I have naturally wavy hair and I used to hate it. Now I hate that I'm losing my hair. I definitely took it for granted. 
• I love self help books and legal/thriller fiction books. 
• I never wanted to move outside of my home state and then I got the opportunity to do so. We moved back and I'm itching to move somewhere else. 
• I rarely feel content. I need to fix that. 
• Cuss words are my favorite thing to say when I'm around other adults. 
• I love hoop earrings. The bigger the hoop the better 
• I am obsessed with minivans. I love my minivan (and the fact that she's paid off) and will drive her until she quits on me, but I am always checking out other minivans anticipating which one I will get next. Haha
• I can be impatient and bossy. I assume it has to do with my birth order (first born) and the fact that I'm a Leo. 
• I am my own worst critic 
• My life has revolved around my mister and the herd for so long it is scary to start focusing on me. 
• Target is my jam! I would give them all our money if we didn't have bills to pay
• Amazon prime is the second best thing to Target. 
• I'm funny, witty and I always laugh at my jokes
• To-do lists are my favorite thing to write. My least favorite thing to write are papers, but I do it. 
• Cooking is something I have gotten better with over the years, but I don't always enjoy it. 
• Grocery shopping is my foe 
• I wish I was bilingual, but I'm not so that sucks 
• Colored ink and new planners/calendars make my heart happy! 
• I spend too much money on eyeshadow palettes
• Shopping cures any bad day
• Handbags are my weakness
• Organizing and rearranging things makes me feel accomplished
• Clutter and I are not friends 
• I don't enjoy change, but I don't like things always being the same 
• I'm difficult and complicated at times so it seems like I'm hard to please. Reality is I'm not content and I don't always know what I want.
• Running a household is a lot of work, who knew adulting wasn't that much fun?! 
• I overthink things and I often overshare 
• I raise my voice at my kids
• I'm not perfect but I'm me and that's where I'm going to end this tonight. 

Until next time, 

xoxo

Getting that self respect

Earlier in the month I read an article on Facebook where the author talks about 30 things that you stop doing when you have self respect. I don't recall who wrote it, but I loved it so much that I wrote down the key points in my journal. Tonight I was flipping through and saw it and took a moment to reflect on what it means for me in my life.

I don't do a good job setting boundaries in my personal relationships with people. I don't say "yes" when I should because I'm exhausted from all of times I said yes when I really should have said "no". It is my own fault really, as I am tirelessly trying to please others while not taking care of myself when and how I should. One of the main areas of focus for my 36th year is self care and learning to love myself better.

It seems like a lifetime ago that I made time for the things that I love in life, things that made me happy which, in turn, made me a better person. I used to be carefree. I used to be down for whatever. There are so many things I used to be. I don't know when or where that changed, but I often find my mind wandering back to those days and trying to figure out where it went wrong. Yes, I said wrong! What the heck is wrong with me?! NOTHING! People change, people grow and the ups and downs I've gone through over the years have shaped me into the person that I am now. I no longer am interested in going out to bars and hanging out until early morning hours. That's okay. I prefer to hang around the house and that's okay. I like to plan things in advance and I no longer find it fun to have things pop up at the last minute. That's okay. What I really need is to just be okay with who I've become. I hear a lot of "well you used too..." yes I did, past tense.

This is the year I want to say yes when I mean and a firm no when I don't. I want to take better care of myself. I want to accept my changes and be okay with it. Haters be damned! The only approval that I need is that of myself! I will not try to get ahead of myself here, it will be hard work and it will take time. I have high hopes for this year. I believe that 36 is going to be a big year for me, one of big changes, new adventures, and so many wonderful things! I cannot wait to see what it brings and I am ready to put in the work to get there!

Until next time,

xoxo

It's all about the 3's

Three favorite foods

Waffles with cool whip 

Pizza 

Mexican food 

Three things I'd never give up

Good food 

Good company 

Shopping 

Three favorite cocktails

I 

don't 

drink

Three favorite movies

Pretty Woman 

Legally Blonde 

The Little Mermaid

Three favorite simple pleasures in life

Sleeping until I wake up-No alarm!

Watching my children in their element when they don't think I am watching

Baby cuddles 

Three things that are always in my car

My handbag

A trunk full of sporting equipment

Blankets 

Three things I always have with me

Phone

My rings 

chaptstick

Three things I regret doing/not doing

Doing a workout when I have a chance 

Going for runs 

Eating dessert after every meal!

Three most recent places I traveled to

Dick's sporting goods

softball fields

football field

Three most often used makeup products

Bare Minerals Foundation 

Highlighter

Blush

Three things that make me cry

Stress 

Happy times 

Touching movies/shows/books

Three things that make me smile/laugh

Babies/Toddlers

My family 

My friends 

Three places I want to visit in the U.S.

Seattle 

California 

New York 

Three places I want to visit outside the U.S.

Spain 

Italy 

Bahamas 

Three blessings in my life

My health 

My Mister and our Herd 

Each day that I am given 

Until next time, 

xoxo

Weekend Recap

Friday
Today I was hoping for some me time, but it did not go as planned. I took myself and my book to lunch at Sola's pizza, so yummy! While I was at lunch I received a phone call from the doctor that since Bubs had not passed his hearing tests that he was being referred to the audiologist. They thought it made the most sense to reschedule his ENT appointment for his chronic strep throat to be able to see the audiologist too. It is nice that I will only have to make one trip, but it did push his appointment back a month. When I finished eating I received a phone call from my SIL and MIL looking for my mister. His aunt was going to be removed from her ventilator and they wanted us to know. My heart breaks for his family. I wish I could have been there to give them big hugs.

On my way home I stopped to pick up my new prescription that is supposed to help slow down my hair loss. The pharmacist told me to take it immediately (3:30 p.m.) and that it would cause an increase in energy and I may have trouble sleeping. All future doses are to be taken in the morning. He was wrong about the increase in energy, but was not wrong with the sleeping. I didn't fall asleep until 4:00 a.m. Saturday morning! Ugh

I picked up a Starbucks Refresher and headed to the nail salon to get a pedicure. I got phone calls from 2 of my kids and my mister while I was sitting there. I should have silenced my phone, ha! I headed home to start getting dinner ready before I had to leave to pick up Lil Mama for the rest of the weekend. Ran around to softball practice, went home made dinner, picked up Mini from softball and then dropped her back off at home before I headed to my Board meeting. What a busy day. It is supposed to rain all weekend...bummer!

Saturday
3 hours of sleep is all I got today! I thought for sure that since it was storming all night and that all the football games had been canceled that soccer would be as well. I was wrong. We left at 7:30 a.m. to get to the fields, everyone was there and ready to rock! The rain took a break and held off until we were driving home from his game, which I was grateful for! I got back to the house and did Lil Mama's nails and we watched Paw Patrol before she laid down for her nap. I power napped on the couch for 20 minutes and then got ready for the night!

If you have never been to an Escape room I highly recommend that you check it out. I had so much fun! I went with my best friend, her husband, and another couple to celebrate Mel's birthday. It was a surprise put together by her husband, so sweet! My Mister had to work so he wasn't able to join since we would be an hour away.

The escape room was like a scene from the movie Saw, kinda creepy. We had 60 minutes to escape and we managed to do it with 5 minutes and 51 seconds to spare! We didn't think we would seeing as how it took us 40 minutes to figure out how to unhand-cuff ourselves from each other! After we were freed we went out for sushi. I have never eaten sushi before in my life! I am not an adventurous eater by any means, but I thought what the heck let's give it a try. It was a vegetable only sushi and it wasn't that bad. I ordered veggie fried rice for dinner and it was delicious! With a full belly I said goodbye and made the hour drive back to the Cities to meet my husband at his friends house for the fights. I don't really understand how it all works but it was nice to hang out with good company and get a bit of a break.

Sunday
Man oh man did I wake up on the wrong side of the bed this morning! The day started crappy and no matter what I tried I wasn't able to pull it together. I was woken before 8:00 a.m. by Lil Mama who was up and ready for the day. I turned on cartoons and made her breakfast. It was probably about 2 hours later that I kept hearing this weird banging sound so I went to investigate as I realized I hadn't seen the cats since the day before. Sure enough they were both locked up in Bean's room. I don't know how long they had been there, but it was awhile. They went to the bathroom all over her room and tried to dig their way out, which destroyed the carpet. The kids were playing in her room (like they weren't supposed to) and shut the door locking the cats inside. I spent the remainder of the morning cleaning her carpets and washing her clothing and bedding so it would be done before she got back from her dad's house for softball.

I laid Lil Mama down for a nap before softball and put dinner in the crockpot. The girls play for a travel fall ball team so they have double headers on Sundays, crockpot meals are a lifesaver for days like these! We get to the field and I lugged all of our stuff to the field. Lil Mama was wiping mud on my bag I had just purchased with my birthday money and as I went to put it inside another bag to keep it clean I got hit on top of the head by a foul ball. Oh em gee! It hurt so bad! I had a nice goose egg on the crown of my head. Next thing I know the lightening sirens go off and we have to clear the field for 30 minutes and the sky opens up and starts pouring on us. I try to get Lil Mama and all of our belongings back to the van without losing my mind because my head was hurting. I finally load it all back into the van and the rain stops and they decide to resume play. *sigh* back across the fields I go.

The girls played well today. Bean kept getting hit by pitches and Mini was making some amazing plays on the field. They won their first game and lost their second. Other than the foul ball to my head it was a good time.

We got home and our garage door wouldn't shut. That was my final straw for the day. I threw in the towel and just wanted to make it through the day until bed time. Lil Mama got picked up by her mom about 10:00 p.m. I submitted my meeting Minutes and called it a day.

Life gets crazy and chaotic at times, but it is very beautiful and I am very grateful for my life and all the wonderful people in it.

Until next time,

xoxo

Fun Facts

The new medication I am on makes it a bit difficult to sleep, so I thought it would be fun to share some fun facts about myself! Since it is 2017 I am going to share 17 fun facts. 

1. I am a nail polish junkie! I change my polish as soon as it chips. Earlier today I painted my nails red and they chipped by dinner time. Now my nails are orange haha 

2. I am an Apple girl! I love my iPhone and MacBook and I don't see that I will switch back anytime soon. 

3. However, if they were to bring back the old Blackberry phones, that may get me to turn my back on my iPhone. 

4. I have 22 tattoos. The last tattoo I got was 2 years ago and I am itching to get another one soon. 

5. If I am wearing socks 99.9% of the time they are tube sox! I recently bought some no show ankle socks because my converse give me such bad blisters when I wear them with no socks. 

6. I am a vegetarian and have been for the last 5 years. I would go back to eating meat if I needed to for health reasons, but I wouldn't like it. 

7. I rarely drink soda. If I do it is diet. 

8. I hate being cold.

9. I have an Associates degree, a Bachelors degree, and I am almost finished with my Masters. I completed all of the coursework to be an Addictions Counselor and will (hopefully) be licensed by spring. 

10. I love paper planners and calendars! I write everything down either in my planner or on post-its. I never use my phone to keep track of appointments. 

11. I can still do cartwheels, handstands, headstands, and backbends! Granted they are not nearly as graceful as they were when I younger, I think it's still cool. 

12. I think I am hilarious! I am not everyone's cup of tea and that's okay with me. 

13. I can drive a manual car and they are my preference! If minivans came in manuals I would own that. 

14. Yes I drive a minivan and I am proud of it! I never thought that I would own one myself, but now that I do I don't know that I would ever be able to go back to something smaller. So much room! 

15. I love handbags! However, I don't invest a lot of money in them because I don't usually carry a bag for longer than a month without getting bored of it. 

16. I am a cat person. We have two cats Ginger (9 years old) and Miley (6 years old). They're so chill and I love them. 

17. I love to play volleyball and softball! I played on teams for both before we moved and I really miss it! 

Gosh that was a lot harder to come up with things than I thought it would be! 

Until next time, 

xoxo

Appointment follow up

Today was emotionally and mentally hard for me. I had an appointment with my dermatologist and I got to ask the questions I wanted to ask and the answers were not what I was hoping for.

The doctor said that Frontal Fibrosing Alopecia is progressive and that it is why I am seeing an increase in hair loss. The steroid treatments that I have been receiving is not enough to stop this train in it's track. It is going to require more medication and so I have been prescribed another medication that will be taken in conjunction with the minocycline that I am currently taking daily. I also received more injections in my head. They hurt but it helps put the itching and burning at ease so I am ok with it. Also, stress can cause hair loss. Of course I stress over the loss of my hair, which probably is just increasing the hair loss. Stupid vicious cycle.

I love this doctor she is so kind but she also doesn't give me false hope. There is a lot of scarring, unfortunately, so she doesn't expect that I will have much success with regrowth and that it may be time to start considering investing in a hair piece or wig. This was more than I could handle and the tears poured down my face. I am only in my mid-30s. I am still young. Why is this happening? It sucks so damn bad.

I shed many tears today. I talked to my mom and my cousin about it and I cried some more. I texted my Mister because I needed some more support. When he came home this evening I was so emotionally drained between taking in this news and the bickering of the kids, not to mention the 3 year old that I am babysitting for the next 4 days. I was crabby and I didn't foresee anything good coming from that.

The highlight of my day was my conversation with my mom. She is so sweet and is offered to pay for my wig, hair piece, or extensions if, or when, I am ready to explore that avenue. She also said that she would cover the cost for me to get my eyebrows microbladed. What a blessing my mama is! She is so kind, thoughtful, and generous. I hope I grow to be as lovely of a person as she is. I love her.

Today is wrapping up and I need a good nights sleep. Tomorrow is a new day and with a fresh perspective. I will not live in my pity about my hair loss. I will not pretend that it is not happening, but I also won't dwell on it. I need to focus on what I can control versus what I have no control over. So many blessings in this beautiful life that I am blessed with.

Until next time,

xoxo

Currently

That last post was pretty heavy and I feel better getting it out, which is the point. I feel like doing another quick post before I head to bed. Here it goes 

Reading "The Year of Yes" by Shonda Rhimes. I'm about half way through and I'm loving it so far.

Anticipating The start of school for the kids and my upcoming internship. I am so excited!

Buying I will be buying school supplies, school clothes, and new office attire for myself :)

Praying for a good night sleep.

Listening to the cats snore and Law and Order

Watching Law and Order

Devouring Nada

Loving life

Hating that the weather is already starting to cool down.

Wanting to get my to do list tackled sooner than later!

Hoping to get some answers at my doctor's appointment tomorrow.

Feeling emotionally drained and sleepy.

Wishing for a smooth transition into the new school year with the kids and myself.

Until next time,

xoxo

Brushing off the cobwebs

It has been such a long time since I last came to this space to write. Honestly I had forgotten all about it until, well, now. Last night as I was laying in bed it came to mind that I should start blogging again so I can talk about what is on my heart right now and here I am. I spent some time catching up with my old blog posts and so much has changed in the past two years, yet so much is the same. I have no rhyme or reason to my blogging and I don't know how long I will upkeep this, but I am hoping that it will be therapeutic for me.

The reason I am feeling the need to write is because I was diagnosed with Lichen Planopilaris, which is a subtype of the autoimmune disease Frontal Fibrosing Alopecia. This specific subtype is caused by inflammation of the scalp where the body is attacking my hair follicles and then scarring over where the follicles grow. The short of it is that I am losing my hair. That is hard to write, it is even harder to say out loud. I was diagnosed last summer with it and have been receiving steroid shots in my scalp approximately every 6 weeks. It hurts, but it stops the itching so I suck it up.

My hair loss used to be manageable and that is no longer the case. I can no longer wear my hair down because there is so much hair missing. I have shiny bald spots on different areas of my head and it doesn't seem to be slowing down any time soon. This type of alopecia is not necessarily a permanent hair loss, however, wherever there is scarring no hair will regrow. At my last appointment my doctor told me it is getting worse. She is right and it is progressively getting worse. I am crushed. I am embarrassed. My self-esteem has taken quite the hit. I feel unattractive and I stress about hiding it from my Mister and the kids. They know about the disease and that I am losing my hair, but I haven't shown them. I haven't shown anyone other than my doctor. I have a hair appointment next week with my cousin to darken my hair in hopes that it will make it look fuller. I have a lot of anxiety about it because I am so incredibly self conscious about it. The stress doesn't help I'm sure. I am taking antibiotics in hopes to reduce the inflammation and flare ups.

I have been reading a lot these past couple of days about my condition and it feels really heavy. It can affect my eyebrows and my eyelashes. My eyebrows haven't grown in years. I have researched microblading for my eyebrows and it seems like it may be a good option, except it comes with a hefty price tag ($600-$800). I need to make some funds in order to pay for it, or start saving money. It is something I need to do.

Tonight I started to have a conversation with my Mister about my upcoming doctors appointment and I was only able to talk about it for a few minutes before I started sobbing. This is hard. I have been proactive with my treatment and it's not getting better, it is getting worse. I feel so bad about myself. Yes, I was indulging in a pity party and such is my right. However, I can't live there and I need to figure out a way to be okay with it. I told my Mister I worry that he will find me gross. I know he didn't marry me for my hair. He married me for my heart and for the person that I am. I don't think I am vain and I get frustrated when people tell me that I am and that other people have it worse. Yes, I know other people do, but that doesn't change how it affects my life and my emotions and that is okay. He suggested that I look into hair loss clinics now instead of just the dermatologist, see what other options are available to me. I love that idea.

I am hopeful that while writing this will be therapeutic for me. I also hope that by putting it out there someone else suffering with this (or something similar) will stumble across this and know that they are not alone.

Until next time,

xoxo