It has been such a long time since I last came to this space to write. Honestly I had forgotten all about it until, well, now. Last night as I was laying in bed it came to mind that I should start blogging again so I can talk about what is on my heart right now and here I am. I spent some time catching up with my old blog posts and so much has changed in the past two years, yet so much is the same. I have no rhyme or reason to my blogging and I don't know how long I will upkeep this, but I am hoping that it will be therapeutic for me.
The reason I am feeling the need to write is because I was diagnosed with Lichen Planopilaris, which is a subtype of the autoimmune disease Frontal Fibrosing Alopecia. This specific subtype is caused by inflammation of the scalp where the body is attacking my hair follicles and then scarring over where the follicles grow. The short of it is that I am losing my hair. That is hard to write, it is even harder to say out loud. I was diagnosed last summer with it and have been receiving steroid shots in my scalp approximately every 6 weeks. It hurts, but it stops the itching so I suck it up.
My hair loss used to be manageable and that is no longer the case. I can no longer wear my hair down because there is so much hair missing. I have shiny bald spots on different areas of my head and it doesn't seem to be slowing down any time soon. This type of alopecia is not necessarily a permanent hair loss, however, wherever there is scarring no hair will regrow. At my last appointment my doctor told me it is getting worse. She is right and it is progressively getting worse. I am crushed. I am embarrassed. My self-esteem has taken quite the hit. I feel unattractive and I stress about hiding it from my Mister and the kids. They know about the disease and that I am losing my hair, but I haven't shown them. I haven't shown anyone other than my doctor. I have a hair appointment next week with my cousin to darken my hair in hopes that it will make it look fuller. I have a lot of anxiety about it because I am so incredibly self conscious about it. The stress doesn't help I'm sure. I am taking antibiotics in hopes to reduce the inflammation and flare ups.
I have been reading a lot these past couple of days about my condition and it feels really heavy. It can affect my eyebrows and my eyelashes. My eyebrows haven't grown in years. I have researched microblading for my eyebrows and it seems like it may be a good option, except it comes with a hefty price tag ($600-$800). I need to make some funds in order to pay for it, or start saving money. It is something I need to do.
Tonight I started to have a conversation with my Mister about my upcoming doctors appointment and I was only able to talk about it for a few minutes before I started sobbing. This is hard. I have been proactive with my treatment and it's not getting better, it is getting worse. I feel so bad about myself. Yes, I was indulging in a pity party and such is my right. However, I can't live there and I need to figure out a way to be okay with it. I told my Mister I worry that he will find me gross. I know he didn't marry me for my hair. He married me for my heart and for the person that I am. I don't think I am vain and I get frustrated when people tell me that I am and that other people have it worse. Yes, I know other people do, but that doesn't change how it affects my life and my emotions and that is okay. He suggested that I look into hair loss clinics now instead of just the dermatologist, see what other options are available to me. I love that idea.
I am hopeful that while writing this will be therapeutic for me. I also hope that by putting it out there someone else suffering with this (or something similar) will stumble across this and know that they are not alone.
Until next time,
xoxo
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