Counting my Blessings

I am sitting here on the eve of Christmas Eve and I am thinking about all the time I waste on negative thoughts and feelings. This past week someone very important in my son's life lost their father to suicide. My heart absolutely breaks for them. Death is hard to begin with, but to lose someone unexpectedly and by their own hand is devastating. Life is so precious and should not be taken for granted, yet there are so many moments that are. I don't try to be ungrateful for my life and my blessings, but I know that at times I am. Tonight I want to refocus on my energy, my thoughts, and my feelings towards the positive. Tonight I am counting my blessings.

I am blessed...

* to have a loving husband
* with four healthy and happy (well when I'm not "ruining" their preteen/teenage lives) kids
* with good health
* to have such loving and supporting parents
* to have a house that we have made a home
* to have meaningful friendships
* with kindness and love in my heart
* to have the best siblings and nieces and nephews on the planet!
* with a husband who works super hard so that I can be home with the kids
* to have a husband who supports me 100%
* with children that love me unconditionally
* to have the cutest and cuddliest cats

Tonight, and every night, I am blessed to be alive.

Until next time,

xoxo

Monday Mumblings

When I had a life outside of my home I would dread Mondays like everyone else, but now I have no real feelings about it. My Mondays usually consist of piles of laundry, creating my to do list for the week, and decorating my planner. I fell of the gym wagon and I need to get back on it and soon! I am feeling frumpy again so the sooner I get back into my routine the better. 

Last week I read "The Girl on the Train" and it was amazing! This week I am reading "The Gift of Fear" and I have only managed to get through one chapter so far. I've had this book now for over a year, as I got it from the instructor of the Self Defense class that my girls and I took. I know it is a book that I will get a lot out of. 

Christmas is only a few weeks away at this point and I've got nothing done. We brought the tree in from the garage, but it has been sitting in it's box for over a week now. It's on my list for this week so I hope that I can get it before the weekend. We are doing the Four Rules of Christmas (Want, Need, Wear, and Read) this year for our kids and they've been working on their lists. I am really excited to see what they will be asking for. I hope that they are putting some good thought into it. The Mister and I will also be doing this for each other, including a stocking for us this year as well! I have had a really hard time coming up with ideas for my list. There isn't anything I can think of that I really want. I did put down a Rose Gold Apple Watch, because I think it is beautiful, but it is not realistically in our budget. I find that the older I get the less things I can think of that I want. It may be because if I need really need something I just go and buy it. Who knew it making a wish list could be so stressful?! 

The boys had their first ever wrestling tournament over the weekend. They both did a wonderful job and they both placed 2nd! I am so proud of them. They have a home wrestling tournament next weekend and we are required to volunteer at it. I received an email today that said if you didn't volunteer they would charge you $200. Ummm what?! I absolutely think that is crap! We parents already spend a lot of money for our kids to participate in these activities and then we are going to get charged an insane amount of money if we don't volunteer? I didn't sign a contract that said I agreed to this, so I'm not sure that they could enforce it. However, I don't want my kids kicked out of this club because of it. I feel that this information should be provided at registration. Anyway, enough about that. 

The last couple of days have been rough on me emotionally. Adulting is so hard sometimes and I don't always deal with it well. Between hormones, the first anniversary of the death of my aunt, and the missed communications between me and the Mister I just want to curl up on the couch and cry. I won't...or maybe I will...I don't know. I do know that sometimes a good cry makes you feel better. 

I spend too much time in my head so I come here to write and then I feel like I can't get it all out like I want. 

Today makes 4 weeks until I go back to school! I am so excited to do be doing something for me. 

These Monday night football games lately have been so intense! Game is almost over so I'm signing off and heading to bed. 

Until next time, 

xxoo

Inconsiderate

I really cannot stand it when people are inconsiderate. I strive to be polite, thoughtful, and considerate on a daily basis, as that is how I was raised. I am human so I am flawed. I don't always show the best side of myself, but more often than not I do. I am aware of others feelings and how valuable their thoughts and time is, so I do my best to be considerate of that. 

My issue is that a lot of the time the same consideration and courtesy that I extend towards others is not reciprocated, and it is especially frustrating when it comes from friends and family. I sometimes feel that since I put forth quite a bit of effort and make myself available for them that the same would be returned. When it is not, I get frustrated and let my feelings get hurt. 

I don't really know what to do at this point, as I have had the same conversation 10 times over and nothing has changed. It is literally to the point know where I either need to step back and make myself less available, or I accept it for what it is and stop letting it hurt me. I am quick to take a stand for others, but have a hard time taking a stand for myself. When I do stand up for myself it is usually when I have hit my breaking point and I am so frustrated and emotional that it accomplishes nothing! I want to be heard. I want to be acknowledge. I want to be appreciated. A lot of the time I feel that I am not getting any of those things. It is going to drive me crazy if something doesn't change. The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting the different results. Guess that means it's time to find a different approach....

Until next time

xxoo 

Unsettled

This is not the first time I've felt this way, I went through something similar 4 years ago with my first move. I was in a new state where I didn't know a soul and had no family or friends to help me out. My Mister worked a lot of hours and it was up to me to tend to the house and the kids. It was overwhelming at first, but eventually we got into a routine that worked for us. As the years went by I became more confident in my abilities to deal with the tough situations without having my parents there to bail me out if I needed them to. I feel that I truly became an independent adult during this time. Prior to getting married I was a single mom who relied on my parents help quite a bit when I was struggling. I am forever grateful for the love and the support that my parents have given me throughout my life.

During those four years I couldn't wait to come back home. I wanted so desperately to go back. I was having such a hard time trying to find me, as my entire identity was back home. This shitty attitude of mine caused tension between the Mister and myself, as I was projecting my frustrations with myself onto him. Totally unfair, but true nonetheless. It was somewhere in my third year there that I lost the attitude and decided to embrace the situation. I was making friends, volunteering my time coaching some of the kids sports, playing sports myself. I had made this place my home and I had a life there.

He was going to get out. We were going to move back to my hometown, that's what I thought I wanted. He received an opportunity that was to good to pass up and it would be stupid to let it pass. It took me a long ass time to realize that home is where my husband and kids are, so no matter where we were going to be assigned next, it was going to be home. Things have a funny way of working out and here we are back in my hometown, exactly where I whined about coming back to. Now that we are here, I am not sure how I feel. People ask me all the time if I'm happy to be back and, to be brutally honest, I'm not. I can't put my finger on what it is that makes feel this way, but I think it is because so much has changed in these past four years. I feel like I should be doing something more with my life now that I'm "home". I hate feeling so unsettled.

One of the other things that bothers me the most is that people that people expect me to go back to the way things were before, my "old life". I don't want to. I struggle with the fact that certain people don't accept my changes and push really hard for the me they used to know. I need my space. I have literally only relied on myself these past four years and I'm okay with that. I NEED my boundaries to be respected. I also need to acknowledge that these people have missed me and the kids. While I tend to feel suffocated and annoyed by certain things, I need to make a conscious effort to remember that they are coming from a place of love. They need to take the time to get to know our family unit as a whole and it's going to take longer than the 5 months that we have been here.

I go back to school in a month. It is not the graduate program that I was once a part of (and so desperately want to go back to); I won't hear the status of that for a few more months. I'm not sure how I feel about this upcoming change. It was never my aspiration to become a stay at home mom, but now that I am one, I can't imagine not being here every day when the kids come home from school. I don't want to overwhelm myself, but I don't want to let anyone down either. I need to find a good balance of what I want to do with my life. The answers aren't going to be found overnight. All I can do is take one day at a time and do the best I can with it.

Gosh this felt really good to get out. I am hopeful that typing these words out will help me sleep tonight with a clear mind.

Until next time,
xoxo