Catching up!

Life has been really busy for me lately and it has been a good kind of busy! 

I have officially started my internship and I am getting adjusted to being away from home 9 hours a day four days a week. When I get home it's straight to making dinner and getting the herd to where they need to go! Since I have been getting up so early I've been heading to bed shortly have the herd and haven't taken the time to write here. I want to incorporate blogging and exercise back into my daily routine, I just need to get it figured out. No pressure though because I am not trying to stress out! 

I am loving my internship! I love being out of the house and doing something. I am a lot happier now that I have this going on. I am probably getting ahead of myself, seeing as how I have not been on site very long, but I am hopeful that I get hired on at the end of this internship. I did not know that I would have an interest working in a residential treatment program, but I am really enjoying it. I am currently just a shadow and it's been a really cool experience. I am ready to start transitioning back into the workforce. 

The herd seems to be adjusting okay so far to my not being here when they get home from school. I thought I would have some guilt about being away, but that's not the case at all. I get home about 45 minutes or so after they do so that helps. 

I didn't realize how much I needed this internship for my sanity. I have always had a bit of regret for leaving my employment to become a stay at home mom. I love my herd and I just had a hard time adjusting my role. I feel normal and more like my old self now and I just feel lighter and happier. It makes me a better and more patient mom and wife. So far so good! I hope it continues to go well!!

I have tomorrow off and a to-do list a million miles long! The first thing on my list is to catch some zzz's after the herd gets on the bus in the morning. Then I can worry about what else I have to do. 

Until next time, 

xoxo 

Alopecia Awareness in September

I am still trying to cope with my diagnosis and deal with the trauma that comes with losing my hair. I know that this is something I will deal with for the rest of my life. Acceptance is hard, but it is what I am working towards.

(Via)

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Until next time,

xoxo

September Goals

I saw this on Neely's blog and thought it was a great way to keep track of my monthly goals!

(Via)

September Goals-2017

1. Wash and wax wood floors
2. Clean out under the stairs
3. Pack lunches daily
4. Pull out fall decorations
5. Get an A in my class
6. Schedule microblading consultation
7. Blog at least 4 days per week
8. Take more pictures and include them in blog posts
9. Visit the apple orchard
10. Exercise 3-4 days per week (run at least once per week)


I have a lot of goals that I'd like to include, but it is best to not overwhelm myself and create an impossible list. September is going to be about figuring out a balance with interning Monday through Friday, while taking 3 classes, taking care of our home and our herd. I'm excited to see how I do!

Until next time,

xoxo

Friday Ramblings

*I am so over this new medication. I am tired of the mood swings, the heartburn, the upset stomachs, the sluggish way I feel all damn day. 4 more days and it will be done. I can do this.

*Today sucked. That's all there is to say about it. Every night I pray for things to change, for me to change and grow, and I'm starting become impatient because my prayers aren't being answered. Well at least not yet.

*I like that I have my blog to come and write on, it gives me a sense of peace. I don't like that I've been doing a lot of whining and bitching here lately, but it is how I'm feeling and I just need to roll with it. I am hopeful that once I get out the heavy and negative things that are weighing me down because I hold them in, things will look up. I sit, I write, and I am not sorry about any of it. Why should I be? People (gross generalization here) apologize way more often than they should. I know I do and that's why I've been working on doing it less. It's okay for me to not be sorry about shit. Life happens.

*School shopping is exhausting and expensive! I know that it comes at the same time every year, but we don't budget well so it feels like a surprise. Well, I think it just feels expensive because it is also the same time of year that fall and winter sports fees are being paid and that costs a pretty penny when you have a herd in sports.

*This weekend I would like to wash and wax my floors and clean out under our stairs. Cleaning and organizing is soothing for me.

*The herd is going to start chores again. I need to put together their list this weekend. They're not excited about it and I get that. However, I can't do everything and it is time for me to get help.

*Tomorrow the girls have hair appointments. I am thinking that I will sneak off in the afternoon to go get some work clothes and a manicure.

 *I cannot believe that this is the last weekend before school is back in session. Summer literally flew by! It is going to be football and hoodie season here very soon.

*I'm tired of feeling stuck. I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired. The sooner I find a way to become unstuck the better.

I have so many things that I want to get done this weekend and I am hopeful that I will be able to get them taken care of so I can relax before the chaos of the new school year is upon us.

Until next time,

xoxo

Let me reintroduce myself...

I saw this amazingly inspiring post over on Lulu & Sweet Pea's blog and knew that this was a direction I needed to go with my post tonight. I was just rambling last night about all of these things that I used to be and gave virtually no regard to who I am now. So tonight I am going to share things about myself that you may or may not want to know about me. Here goes nothing...

• I am a mother to a 14 year old daughter and 11 year old son. 
• I am a stepmother to a 14 year old daughter and 11 year old son. (Yes I wrote step in front of mother but not in front of my relationship with them, because they are my children and the word step doesn't define my relationship with them.)
• My Mister is in the military so I am Household Six 
• I'm a stay at home mom. I don't love it, but I am sure I will miss it when I go back to work. 
• I'm a graduate student and will be starting my 30 hour/week internship next week. Good luck me! 
• I love nail polish and to paint my nails. I hate chipped polish and I just can't get down with it.
• I love makeup! It makes me feel beautiful.
• I have deep set eyes and cannot pull of winged eyeliner. Therefore, I live vicariously through my daughter and her winged liner. 
• I have naturally wavy hair and I used to hate it. Now I hate that I'm losing my hair. I definitely took it for granted. 
• I love self help books and legal/thriller fiction books. 
• I never wanted to move outside of my home state and then I got the opportunity to do so. We moved back and I'm itching to move somewhere else. 
• I rarely feel content. I need to fix that. 
• Cuss words are my favorite thing to say when I'm around other adults. 
• I love hoop earrings. The bigger the hoop the better 
• I am obsessed with minivans. I love my minivan (and the fact that she's paid off) and will drive her until she quits on me, but I am always checking out other minivans anticipating which one I will get next. Haha
• I can be impatient and bossy. I assume it has to do with my birth order (first born) and the fact that I'm a Leo. 
• I am my own worst critic 
• My life has revolved around my mister and the herd for so long it is scary to start focusing on me. 
• Target is my jam! I would give them all our money if we didn't have bills to pay
• Amazon prime is the second best thing to Target. 
• I'm funny, witty and I always laugh at my jokes
• To-do lists are my favorite thing to write. My least favorite thing to write are papers, but I do it. 
• Cooking is something I have gotten better with over the years, but I don't always enjoy it. 
• Grocery shopping is my foe 
• I wish I was bilingual, but I'm not so that sucks 
• Colored ink and new planners/calendars make my heart happy! 
• I spend too much money on eyeshadow palettes
• Shopping cures any bad day
• Handbags are my weakness
• Organizing and rearranging things makes me feel accomplished
• Clutter and I are not friends 
• I don't enjoy change, but I don't like things always being the same 
• I'm difficult and complicated at times so it seems like I'm hard to please. Reality is I'm not content and I don't always know what I want.
• Running a household is a lot of work, who knew adulting wasn't that much fun?! 
• I overthink things and I often overshare 
• I raise my voice at my kids
• I'm not perfect but I'm me and that's where I'm going to end this tonight. 

Until next time, 

xoxo

Getting that self respect

Earlier in the month I read an article on Facebook where the author talks about 30 things that you stop doing when you have self respect. I don't recall who wrote it, but I loved it so much that I wrote down the key points in my journal. Tonight I was flipping through and saw it and took a moment to reflect on what it means for me in my life.

I don't do a good job setting boundaries in my personal relationships with people. I don't say "yes" when I should because I'm exhausted from all of times I said yes when I really should have said "no". It is my own fault really, as I am tirelessly trying to please others while not taking care of myself when and how I should. One of the main areas of focus for my 36th year is self care and learning to love myself better.

It seems like a lifetime ago that I made time for the things that I love in life, things that made me happy which, in turn, made me a better person. I used to be carefree. I used to be down for whatever. There are so many things I used to be. I don't know when or where that changed, but I often find my mind wandering back to those days and trying to figure out where it went wrong. Yes, I said wrong! What the heck is wrong with me?! NOTHING! People change, people grow and the ups and downs I've gone through over the years have shaped me into the person that I am now. I no longer am interested in going out to bars and hanging out until early morning hours. That's okay. I prefer to hang around the house and that's okay. I like to plan things in advance and I no longer find it fun to have things pop up at the last minute. That's okay. What I really need is to just be okay with who I've become. I hear a lot of "well you used too..." yes I did, past tense.

This is the year I want to say yes when I mean and a firm no when I don't. I want to take better care of myself. I want to accept my changes and be okay with it. Haters be damned! The only approval that I need is that of myself! I will not try to get ahead of myself here, it will be hard work and it will take time. I have high hopes for this year. I believe that 36 is going to be a big year for me, one of big changes, new adventures, and so many wonderful things! I cannot wait to see what it brings and I am ready to put in the work to get there!

Until next time,

xoxo

Weekend Recap

Friday
Today I was hoping for some me time, but it did not go as planned. I took myself and my book to lunch at Sola's pizza, so yummy! While I was at lunch I received a phone call from the doctor that since Bubs had not passed his hearing tests that he was being referred to the audiologist. They thought it made the most sense to reschedule his ENT appointment for his chronic strep throat to be able to see the audiologist too. It is nice that I will only have to make one trip, but it did push his appointment back a month. When I finished eating I received a phone call from my SIL and MIL looking for my mister. His aunt was going to be removed from her ventilator and they wanted us to know. My heart breaks for his family. I wish I could have been there to give them big hugs.

On my way home I stopped to pick up my new prescription that is supposed to help slow down my hair loss. The pharmacist told me to take it immediately (3:30 p.m.) and that it would cause an increase in energy and I may have trouble sleeping. All future doses are to be taken in the morning. He was wrong about the increase in energy, but was not wrong with the sleeping. I didn't fall asleep until 4:00 a.m. Saturday morning! Ugh

I picked up a Starbucks Refresher and headed to the nail salon to get a pedicure. I got phone calls from 2 of my kids and my mister while I was sitting there. I should have silenced my phone, ha! I headed home to start getting dinner ready before I had to leave to pick up Lil Mama for the rest of the weekend. Ran around to softball practice, went home made dinner, picked up Mini from softball and then dropped her back off at home before I headed to my Board meeting. What a busy day. It is supposed to rain all weekend...bummer!

Saturday
3 hours of sleep is all I got today! I thought for sure that since it was storming all night and that all the football games had been canceled that soccer would be as well. I was wrong. We left at 7:30 a.m. to get to the fields, everyone was there and ready to rock! The rain took a break and held off until we were driving home from his game, which I was grateful for! I got back to the house and did Lil Mama's nails and we watched Paw Patrol before she laid down for her nap. I power napped on the couch for 20 minutes and then got ready for the night!

If you have never been to an Escape room I highly recommend that you check it out. I had so much fun! I went with my best friend, her husband, and another couple to celebrate Mel's birthday. It was a surprise put together by her husband, so sweet! My Mister had to work so he wasn't able to join since we would be an hour away.

The escape room was like a scene from the movie Saw, kinda creepy. We had 60 minutes to escape and we managed to do it with 5 minutes and 51 seconds to spare! We didn't think we would seeing as how it took us 40 minutes to figure out how to unhand-cuff ourselves from each other! After we were freed we went out for sushi. I have never eaten sushi before in my life! I am not an adventurous eater by any means, but I thought what the heck let's give it a try. It was a vegetable only sushi and it wasn't that bad. I ordered veggie fried rice for dinner and it was delicious! With a full belly I said goodbye and made the hour drive back to the Cities to meet my husband at his friends house for the fights. I don't really understand how it all works but it was nice to hang out with good company and get a bit of a break.

Sunday
Man oh man did I wake up on the wrong side of the bed this morning! The day started crappy and no matter what I tried I wasn't able to pull it together. I was woken before 8:00 a.m. by Lil Mama who was up and ready for the day. I turned on cartoons and made her breakfast. It was probably about 2 hours later that I kept hearing this weird banging sound so I went to investigate as I realized I hadn't seen the cats since the day before. Sure enough they were both locked up in Bean's room. I don't know how long they had been there, but it was awhile. They went to the bathroom all over her room and tried to dig their way out, which destroyed the carpet. The kids were playing in her room (like they weren't supposed to) and shut the door locking the cats inside. I spent the remainder of the morning cleaning her carpets and washing her clothing and bedding so it would be done before she got back from her dad's house for softball.

I laid Lil Mama down for a nap before softball and put dinner in the crockpot. The girls play for a travel fall ball team so they have double headers on Sundays, crockpot meals are a lifesaver for days like these! We get to the field and I lugged all of our stuff to the field. Lil Mama was wiping mud on my bag I had just purchased with my birthday money and as I went to put it inside another bag to keep it clean I got hit on top of the head by a foul ball. Oh em gee! It hurt so bad! I had a nice goose egg on the crown of my head. Next thing I know the lightening sirens go off and we have to clear the field for 30 minutes and the sky opens up and starts pouring on us. I try to get Lil Mama and all of our belongings back to the van without losing my mind because my head was hurting. I finally load it all back into the van and the rain stops and they decide to resume play. *sigh* back across the fields I go.

The girls played well today. Bean kept getting hit by pitches and Mini was making some amazing plays on the field. They won their first game and lost their second. Other than the foul ball to my head it was a good time.

We got home and our garage door wouldn't shut. That was my final straw for the day. I threw in the towel and just wanted to make it through the day until bed time. Lil Mama got picked up by her mom about 10:00 p.m. I submitted my meeting Minutes and called it a day.

Life gets crazy and chaotic at times, but it is very beautiful and I am very grateful for my life and all the wonderful people in it.

Until next time,

xoxo

Fun Facts

The new medication I am on makes it a bit difficult to sleep, so I thought it would be fun to share some fun facts about myself! Since it is 2017 I am going to share 17 fun facts. 

1. I am a nail polish junkie! I change my polish as soon as it chips. Earlier today I painted my nails red and they chipped by dinner time. Now my nails are orange haha 

2. I am an Apple girl! I love my iPhone and MacBook and I don't see that I will switch back anytime soon. 

3. However, if they were to bring back the old Blackberry phones, that may get me to turn my back on my iPhone. 

4. I have 22 tattoos. The last tattoo I got was 2 years ago and I am itching to get another one soon. 

5. If I am wearing socks 99.9% of the time they are tube sox! I recently bought some no show ankle socks because my converse give me such bad blisters when I wear them with no socks. 

6. I am a vegetarian and have been for the last 5 years. I would go back to eating meat if I needed to for health reasons, but I wouldn't like it. 

7. I rarely drink soda. If I do it is diet. 

8. I hate being cold.

9. I have an Associates degree, a Bachelors degree, and I am almost finished with my Masters. I completed all of the coursework to be an Addictions Counselor and will (hopefully) be licensed by spring. 

10. I love paper planners and calendars! I write everything down either in my planner or on post-its. I never use my phone to keep track of appointments. 

11. I can still do cartwheels, handstands, headstands, and backbends! Granted they are not nearly as graceful as they were when I younger, I think it's still cool. 

12. I think I am hilarious! I am not everyone's cup of tea and that's okay with me. 

13. I can drive a manual car and they are my preference! If minivans came in manuals I would own that. 

14. Yes I drive a minivan and I am proud of it! I never thought that I would own one myself, but now that I do I don't know that I would ever be able to go back to something smaller. So much room! 

15. I love handbags! However, I don't invest a lot of money in them because I don't usually carry a bag for longer than a month without getting bored of it. 

16. I am a cat person. We have two cats Ginger (9 years old) and Miley (6 years old). They're so chill and I love them. 

17. I love to play volleyball and softball! I played on teams for both before we moved and I really miss it! 

Gosh that was a lot harder to come up with things than I thought it would be! 

Until next time, 

xoxo

Appointment follow up

Today was emotionally and mentally hard for me. I had an appointment with my dermatologist and I got to ask the questions I wanted to ask and the answers were not what I was hoping for.

The doctor said that Frontal Fibrosing Alopecia is progressive and that it is why I am seeing an increase in hair loss. The steroid treatments that I have been receiving is not enough to stop this train in it's track. It is going to require more medication and so I have been prescribed another medication that will be taken in conjunction with the minocycline that I am currently taking daily. I also received more injections in my head. They hurt but it helps put the itching and burning at ease so I am ok with it. Also, stress can cause hair loss. Of course I stress over the loss of my hair, which probably is just increasing the hair loss. Stupid vicious cycle.

I love this doctor she is so kind but she also doesn't give me false hope. There is a lot of scarring, unfortunately, so she doesn't expect that I will have much success with regrowth and that it may be time to start considering investing in a hair piece or wig. This was more than I could handle and the tears poured down my face. I am only in my mid-30s. I am still young. Why is this happening? It sucks so damn bad.

I shed many tears today. I talked to my mom and my cousin about it and I cried some more. I texted my Mister because I needed some more support. When he came home this evening I was so emotionally drained between taking in this news and the bickering of the kids, not to mention the 3 year old that I am babysitting for the next 4 days. I was crabby and I didn't foresee anything good coming from that.

The highlight of my day was my conversation with my mom. She is so sweet and is offered to pay for my wig, hair piece, or extensions if, or when, I am ready to explore that avenue. She also said that she would cover the cost for me to get my eyebrows microbladed. What a blessing my mama is! She is so kind, thoughtful, and generous. I hope I grow to be as lovely of a person as she is. I love her.

Today is wrapping up and I need a good nights sleep. Tomorrow is a new day and with a fresh perspective. I will not live in my pity about my hair loss. I will not pretend that it is not happening, but I also won't dwell on it. I need to focus on what I can control versus what I have no control over. So many blessings in this beautiful life that I am blessed with.

Until next time,

xoxo

Currently

That last post was pretty heavy and I feel better getting it out, which is the point. I feel like doing another quick post before I head to bed. Here it goes 

Reading "The Year of Yes" by Shonda Rhimes. I'm about half way through and I'm loving it so far.

Anticipating The start of school for the kids and my upcoming internship. I am so excited!

Buying I will be buying school supplies, school clothes, and new office attire for myself :)

Praying for a good night sleep.

Listening to the cats snore and Law and Order

Watching Law and Order

Devouring Nada

Loving life

Hating that the weather is already starting to cool down.

Wanting to get my to do list tackled sooner than later!

Hoping to get some answers at my doctor's appointment tomorrow.

Feeling emotionally drained and sleepy.

Wishing for a smooth transition into the new school year with the kids and myself.

Until next time,

xoxo

Brushing off the cobwebs

It has been such a long time since I last came to this space to write. Honestly I had forgotten all about it until, well, now. Last night as I was laying in bed it came to mind that I should start blogging again so I can talk about what is on my heart right now and here I am. I spent some time catching up with my old blog posts and so much has changed in the past two years, yet so much is the same. I have no rhyme or reason to my blogging and I don't know how long I will upkeep this, but I am hoping that it will be therapeutic for me.

The reason I am feeling the need to write is because I was diagnosed with Lichen Planopilaris, which is a subtype of the autoimmune disease Frontal Fibrosing Alopecia. This specific subtype is caused by inflammation of the scalp where the body is attacking my hair follicles and then scarring over where the follicles grow. The short of it is that I am losing my hair. That is hard to write, it is even harder to say out loud. I was diagnosed last summer with it and have been receiving steroid shots in my scalp approximately every 6 weeks. It hurts, but it stops the itching so I suck it up.

My hair loss used to be manageable and that is no longer the case. I can no longer wear my hair down because there is so much hair missing. I have shiny bald spots on different areas of my head and it doesn't seem to be slowing down any time soon. This type of alopecia is not necessarily a permanent hair loss, however, wherever there is scarring no hair will regrow. At my last appointment my doctor told me it is getting worse. She is right and it is progressively getting worse. I am crushed. I am embarrassed. My self-esteem has taken quite the hit. I feel unattractive and I stress about hiding it from my Mister and the kids. They know about the disease and that I am losing my hair, but I haven't shown them. I haven't shown anyone other than my doctor. I have a hair appointment next week with my cousin to darken my hair in hopes that it will make it look fuller. I have a lot of anxiety about it because I am so incredibly self conscious about it. The stress doesn't help I'm sure. I am taking antibiotics in hopes to reduce the inflammation and flare ups.

I have been reading a lot these past couple of days about my condition and it feels really heavy. It can affect my eyebrows and my eyelashes. My eyebrows haven't grown in years. I have researched microblading for my eyebrows and it seems like it may be a good option, except it comes with a hefty price tag ($600-$800). I need to make some funds in order to pay for it, or start saving money. It is something I need to do.

Tonight I started to have a conversation with my Mister about my upcoming doctors appointment and I was only able to talk about it for a few minutes before I started sobbing. This is hard. I have been proactive with my treatment and it's not getting better, it is getting worse. I feel so bad about myself. Yes, I was indulging in a pity party and such is my right. However, I can't live there and I need to figure out a way to be okay with it. I told my Mister I worry that he will find me gross. I know he didn't marry me for my hair. He married me for my heart and for the person that I am. I don't think I am vain and I get frustrated when people tell me that I am and that other people have it worse. Yes, I know other people do, but that doesn't change how it affects my life and my emotions and that is okay. He suggested that I look into hair loss clinics now instead of just the dermatologist, see what other options are available to me. I love that idea.

I am hopeful that while writing this will be therapeutic for me. I also hope that by putting it out there someone else suffering with this (or something similar) will stumble across this and know that they are not alone.

Until next time,

xoxo

Word of the Year

(Via) 

Over the past couple of years I have seen the "Word of the Year" posts and I always thought that I should do that. I would spend so much time procrastinating thinking about it that it would eventually be forgotten until the following year when those posts would start popping in my reading list. I have been kicking around a handful of words for a little over a week now, and I believe that I finally found one that will provide great meaning for me in 2016.

INTENTIONAL

There have been so many nights where I have been laying in bed at night reflecting on my day and how much time was wasted by doing nothing. After my family has left for the day I make myself some breakfast, throw in a load of laundry, and flip on the television (either Lifetime Movie Network or HGTV) to keep me company while I eat. The next thing I know it's the middle of the afternoon and I am rushing around trying to get things crossed off my to do list because I wasted a day doing....I don't even know what. I feel that I can be incredibly wasteful with time, even money, if I am not paying attention.

To be honest, I really thought my word of the year was going to be "focus", because I've always got my attention spread out everywhere. However, I feel that by being intentional I will be able to focus more on the important things.

The areas that I want to really be intentional with are my relationships with my husband, my kids, my family, my friends, myself, with God, our finances, and my time.

To be intentional with all of the different relationships in my life, I want to give not only my time but my attention as well. I need to have conversations, play games, watch movies, enjoy their company without the distractions of technology. I need to make sure that my husband and I make the time for each other. I need to spend quality time with my kids, as well as with my stepkids. I want to make the time to see my friends and hang out with my parents, siblings, nephews and niece. It is important to make my time with them count.

This is the year that I start being more intentional with myself. I tend to be a people pleaser and make sure that others are taken care of and happy before I take the time to take care of me. I have goals for myself and I want to make the time to do that. It may be that I have to pencil this time for me into my To-Do list, but that's okay as long as I am getting it done.

I don't really want to discuss my relationship with God quite yet on my blog, as I feel it is something that I'm still trying to figure out. Just know that it is something I want to continue to work on.

Finances is a big thing that I need to start being more intentional with. I have been dabbling in the Dave Ramsey podcasts, books, and teachings for the last year or so. However, it's only half assed. It's time to crack the whip, get our budget in shape and work on cleaning up the debt. I would love to be debt free by the time my oldest graduates high school, which means we have 5 years to get that done. That may sound like a lot of time, but lord knows it will fly by in the blink of an eye!

Lastly, I want to be intentional with my time. I would like to spend more time being productive than not.

This year I am looking forward to living more in the moment and enjoying the moments as they come!

Until next time,

xoxo

Power Struggle

I don't really remember much of my childhood and my teenage years. I have many memories of both, of course, but the memories are of significant things that happened not the mundane every day life things. I know that I was a difficult teenager and I don't know how my parents survived, but they did, and that gives me some hope.

There is always a power struggle between parents and their child(ren). The child(ren) wants to be able to express themselves, use their voice, and be in control of their life. Parents, on the other hand, have a job to do with raising them and a certain way they want to do it. Of course we want our child(ren) to express themselves, find their voice and make their own choices. However, we want them to do it on our terms. 

It seems to me the older the kids get the more they want to push back against me and stand on their own two feet. However, they aren't at a place yet where they are willing to accept the consequences of their actions. They want to do things when and how they want, but when it doesn't work out like they thought it would it must be someone else's fault. No responsibility is taken by them for their choice; instead they make excuses and point blame everywhere but where it belongs. 

Don't get me wrong, I have no doubt that is exactly how I behaved as a teenager. I know my parents, especially my father, preached about owning up and taking responsibility for ourselves. I can only speak for myself, but I do know that I was pretty good at taking ownership of my actions. I am not perfect and neither are my kids. This is something that I need to remind myself of from time to time.

The power struggle between a stepparent and their stepchild(rent) is at a very different level than that of a biological relationship. I am a custodial stepmom, which means my step kids live with us full time and I am a key player in how they're being raised and their daily well being. While I do all the same things for my step kids that I do my biological kids, I am constantly reminded that I am nothing more than a stepmom. When, where, how did being a stepmom become such a negative thing? I love and care for these kids every single day. The expectations are that I do all of the work that a "real" mom does, but get none of the respect. I get it, life's not fair, but damn is it ever frustrating.

Anyway, just some food for thought.

Until next time,

xoxo

New Year, New Me?

(Via)

It's the 3rd of January, so it is probably safe to say hundreds (maybe even thousands) of resolutions have been broken already! I personally don't make resolutions. I don't see the point. There is so much focus on starting fresh because it is a new year. Every morning you are given a new day to create a fresh start. Why put so much pressure on yourself to create a new you because it is a new year? I know that, for me, I am constantly changing. When I want to make new changes in my life I don't do wait for January 1st to do it, I make the change when I'm ready for it. 

I don't know what the statistics are for people that actually stick to their new years resolutions, but I believe it is relatively low. Every year on my birthday I create a bucket list of things I would like to achieve before my next birthday. I love making lists and I find it is less pressure for me if I am setting these goals in August. In the past (when I used to make resolutions) I would get so much negativity if I didn't stick with it. 

(Via)

It is so crazy how much as changed in the last 12 months. In 2015 we...

*moved 1200 miles for my Misters job; 

*bought our first home together; 

*are officially parents of a teenager; 

*rode all the roller coasters at Cedar Point in Ohio; 

*said goodbye to our friends turned family 

*said hello to family, as we moved right next door to my hometown; 

*made new friends and caught up with old friends. 

I have a lot of things to look forward to in 2016! Some of the things I'm looking forward to..

*going back to school to get a certificate to become a state licensed Drug & Alcohol Counselor; 

*I'm waiting to find out whether or not I will be accepted back into Graduate School to finish my Masters Program; 

*our boys will turn double digits; 

*our other daughter will be a teenager; 

*some house projects; 

*paying off debt on the Dave Ramsey program;

*being able to watch my niece and nephew's dance recital in the spring; 

*spending time with my family and my friends;

*family vacations.  

(Via)

 For 2016 I wish everyone a year of health and happiness! May you have a blessed year!

Until next time,

xoxo

Monday Mumblings

When I had a life outside of my home I would dread Mondays like everyone else, but now I have no real feelings about it. My Mondays usually consist of piles of laundry, creating my to do list for the week, and decorating my planner. I fell of the gym wagon and I need to get back on it and soon! I am feeling frumpy again so the sooner I get back into my routine the better. 

Last week I read "The Girl on the Train" and it was amazing! This week I am reading "The Gift of Fear" and I have only managed to get through one chapter so far. I've had this book now for over a year, as I got it from the instructor of the Self Defense class that my girls and I took. I know it is a book that I will get a lot out of. 

Christmas is only a few weeks away at this point and I've got nothing done. We brought the tree in from the garage, but it has been sitting in it's box for over a week now. It's on my list for this week so I hope that I can get it before the weekend. We are doing the Four Rules of Christmas (Want, Need, Wear, and Read) this year for our kids and they've been working on their lists. I am really excited to see what they will be asking for. I hope that they are putting some good thought into it. The Mister and I will also be doing this for each other, including a stocking for us this year as well! I have had a really hard time coming up with ideas for my list. There isn't anything I can think of that I really want. I did put down a Rose Gold Apple Watch, because I think it is beautiful, but it is not realistically in our budget. I find that the older I get the less things I can think of that I want. It may be because if I need really need something I just go and buy it. Who knew it making a wish list could be so stressful?! 

The boys had their first ever wrestling tournament over the weekend. They both did a wonderful job and they both placed 2nd! I am so proud of them. They have a home wrestling tournament next weekend and we are required to volunteer at it. I received an email today that said if you didn't volunteer they would charge you $200. Ummm what?! I absolutely think that is crap! We parents already spend a lot of money for our kids to participate in these activities and then we are going to get charged an insane amount of money if we don't volunteer? I didn't sign a contract that said I agreed to this, so I'm not sure that they could enforce it. However, I don't want my kids kicked out of this club because of it. I feel that this information should be provided at registration. Anyway, enough about that. 

The last couple of days have been rough on me emotionally. Adulting is so hard sometimes and I don't always deal with it well. Between hormones, the first anniversary of the death of my aunt, and the missed communications between me and the Mister I just want to curl up on the couch and cry. I won't...or maybe I will...I don't know. I do know that sometimes a good cry makes you feel better. 

I spend too much time in my head so I come here to write and then I feel like I can't get it all out like I want. 

Today makes 4 weeks until I go back to school! I am so excited to do be doing something for me. 

These Monday night football games lately have been so intense! Game is almost over so I'm signing off and heading to bed. 

Until next time, 

xxoo

Inconsiderate

I really cannot stand it when people are inconsiderate. I strive to be polite, thoughtful, and considerate on a daily basis, as that is how I was raised. I am human so I am flawed. I don't always show the best side of myself, but more often than not I do. I am aware of others feelings and how valuable their thoughts and time is, so I do my best to be considerate of that. 

My issue is that a lot of the time the same consideration and courtesy that I extend towards others is not reciprocated, and it is especially frustrating when it comes from friends and family. I sometimes feel that since I put forth quite a bit of effort and make myself available for them that the same would be returned. When it is not, I get frustrated and let my feelings get hurt. 

I don't really know what to do at this point, as I have had the same conversation 10 times over and nothing has changed. It is literally to the point know where I either need to step back and make myself less available, or I accept it for what it is and stop letting it hurt me. I am quick to take a stand for others, but have a hard time taking a stand for myself. When I do stand up for myself it is usually when I have hit my breaking point and I am so frustrated and emotional that it accomplishes nothing! I want to be heard. I want to be acknowledge. I want to be appreciated. A lot of the time I feel that I am not getting any of those things. It is going to drive me crazy if something doesn't change. The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting the different results. Guess that means it's time to find a different approach....

Until next time

xxoo 

Unsettled

This is not the first time I've felt this way, I went through something similar 4 years ago with my first move. I was in a new state where I didn't know a soul and had no family or friends to help me out. My Mister worked a lot of hours and it was up to me to tend to the house and the kids. It was overwhelming at first, but eventually we got into a routine that worked for us. As the years went by I became more confident in my abilities to deal with the tough situations without having my parents there to bail me out if I needed them to. I feel that I truly became an independent adult during this time. Prior to getting married I was a single mom who relied on my parents help quite a bit when I was struggling. I am forever grateful for the love and the support that my parents have given me throughout my life.

During those four years I couldn't wait to come back home. I wanted so desperately to go back. I was having such a hard time trying to find me, as my entire identity was back home. This shitty attitude of mine caused tension between the Mister and myself, as I was projecting my frustrations with myself onto him. Totally unfair, but true nonetheless. It was somewhere in my third year there that I lost the attitude and decided to embrace the situation. I was making friends, volunteering my time coaching some of the kids sports, playing sports myself. I had made this place my home and I had a life there.

He was going to get out. We were going to move back to my hometown, that's what I thought I wanted. He received an opportunity that was to good to pass up and it would be stupid to let it pass. It took me a long ass time to realize that home is where my husband and kids are, so no matter where we were going to be assigned next, it was going to be home. Things have a funny way of working out and here we are back in my hometown, exactly where I whined about coming back to. Now that we are here, I am not sure how I feel. People ask me all the time if I'm happy to be back and, to be brutally honest, I'm not. I can't put my finger on what it is that makes feel this way, but I think it is because so much has changed in these past four years. I feel like I should be doing something more with my life now that I'm "home". I hate feeling so unsettled.

One of the other things that bothers me the most is that people that people expect me to go back to the way things were before, my "old life". I don't want to. I struggle with the fact that certain people don't accept my changes and push really hard for the me they used to know. I need my space. I have literally only relied on myself these past four years and I'm okay with that. I NEED my boundaries to be respected. I also need to acknowledge that these people have missed me and the kids. While I tend to feel suffocated and annoyed by certain things, I need to make a conscious effort to remember that they are coming from a place of love. They need to take the time to get to know our family unit as a whole and it's going to take longer than the 5 months that we have been here.

I go back to school in a month. It is not the graduate program that I was once a part of (and so desperately want to go back to); I won't hear the status of that for a few more months. I'm not sure how I feel about this upcoming change. It was never my aspiration to become a stay at home mom, but now that I am one, I can't imagine not being here every day when the kids come home from school. I don't want to overwhelm myself, but I don't want to let anyone down either. I need to find a good balance of what I want to do with my life. The answers aren't going to be found overnight. All I can do is take one day at a time and do the best I can with it.

Gosh this felt really good to get out. I am hopeful that typing these words out will help me sleep tonight with a clear mind.

Until next time,
xoxo

So What Wednesday

So What....

*if this is the second blog post I have written today. Some days you gotta write.
*if I'm eating some of my kids Halloween candy. Sorry not sorry kids!
*I spend 20 minutes shopping online, putting things in the cart and then closing out the tab.
*that I can't wait for tomorrow night so I can see the newest episode of How to Get Away with Murder.
*that I would rather spend my evening watching beauty videos on YouTube than doing the laundry
*if I don't really know what I want to do, even though I feel like I should be doing something.
*that I am sore as heck because I kicked my own butt at the gym.
*that I am not ready for the holidays and the snow and the arctic weather that I know is coming.
*if I thought I had a lot more to say, but I really don't.

Until Next Time,

xxoo

(Linked up with Shannon from "Life After I Dew") 

New beginnings...

I have been bouncing around the idea of starting a new blog for a couple of weeks now, as I have been feeling like I need to do something that is about and for me. I have an old blog that is still floating around on the world wide web, but I just felt that it would be easier to start fresh. So…here I am! I hope now that I've finally gotten around to creating this space, I will quit thinking about it at bedtime and actually be able to get some sleep! 

There is so much newness going on around me that I haven't actually had time to process it all yet. Three months ago our family moved 1200 miles from the southeast coast to the midwest, as my husband's job has relocated us…such is the life of military families. We ended up getting stationed in my home state and we plan on retiring here one day, so we bought our first marital home. I am absolutely obsessed with our new home. I hate living in chaos, so our house was all unpacked within the first two weeks of us living here. #beastmode While I am back where I came from, life is different here this time. I don't know if I can really explain it, but I am going to try. I do love that I am close to my friends and family; I just can't help but miss my friends that became my family over the past 4 years. They have all left their imprints on my heart and I hope that one day our lives will cross paths again. 

The kids are back in school now and thriving in their new environments. They have been making a lot of new friends through their activities (running club, football, soccer, and volleyball) and at their new schools. I have been meeting new people, as well as catching up with old friends. The Mister is kicking butt at his new job, but that's not really much of a surprise as he's kind of a badass! 

Dinner should be here shortly (it is delivery not DiGiorno's), so I'm going to get my kids fed, turn on some football and wait for my Mister to get home. 

Take it easy and have a great night! 

Until next time, 

xxoo