Friday Ramblings

*I am so over this new medication. I am tired of the mood swings, the heartburn, the upset stomachs, the sluggish way I feel all damn day. 4 more days and it will be done. I can do this.

*Today sucked. That's all there is to say about it. Every night I pray for things to change, for me to change and grow, and I'm starting become impatient because my prayers aren't being answered. Well at least not yet.

*I like that I have my blog to come and write on, it gives me a sense of peace. I don't like that I've been doing a lot of whining and bitching here lately, but it is how I'm feeling and I just need to roll with it. I am hopeful that once I get out the heavy and negative things that are weighing me down because I hold them in, things will look up. I sit, I write, and I am not sorry about any of it. Why should I be? People (gross generalization here) apologize way more often than they should. I know I do and that's why I've been working on doing it less. It's okay for me to not be sorry about shit. Life happens.

*School shopping is exhausting and expensive! I know that it comes at the same time every year, but we don't budget well so it feels like a surprise. Well, I think it just feels expensive because it is also the same time of year that fall and winter sports fees are being paid and that costs a pretty penny when you have a herd in sports.

*This weekend I would like to wash and wax my floors and clean out under our stairs. Cleaning and organizing is soothing for me.

*The herd is going to start chores again. I need to put together their list this weekend. They're not excited about it and I get that. However, I can't do everything and it is time for me to get help.

*Tomorrow the girls have hair appointments. I am thinking that I will sneak off in the afternoon to go get some work clothes and a manicure.

 *I cannot believe that this is the last weekend before school is back in session. Summer literally flew by! It is going to be football and hoodie season here very soon.

*I'm tired of feeling stuck. I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired. The sooner I find a way to become unstuck the better.

I have so many things that I want to get done this weekend and I am hopeful that I will be able to get them taken care of so I can relax before the chaos of the new school year is upon us.

Until next time,

xoxo

Let me reintroduce myself...

I saw this amazingly inspiring post over on Lulu & Sweet Pea's blog and knew that this was a direction I needed to go with my post tonight. I was just rambling last night about all of these things that I used to be and gave virtually no regard to who I am now. So tonight I am going to share things about myself that you may or may not want to know about me. Here goes nothing...

• I am a mother to a 14 year old daughter and 11 year old son. 
• I am a stepmother to a 14 year old daughter and 11 year old son. (Yes I wrote step in front of mother but not in front of my relationship with them, because they are my children and the word step doesn't define my relationship with them.)
• My Mister is in the military so I am Household Six 
• I'm a stay at home mom. I don't love it, but I am sure I will miss it when I go back to work. 
• I'm a graduate student and will be starting my 30 hour/week internship next week. Good luck me! 
• I love nail polish and to paint my nails. I hate chipped polish and I just can't get down with it.
• I love makeup! It makes me feel beautiful.
• I have deep set eyes and cannot pull of winged eyeliner. Therefore, I live vicariously through my daughter and her winged liner. 
• I have naturally wavy hair and I used to hate it. Now I hate that I'm losing my hair. I definitely took it for granted. 
• I love self help books and legal/thriller fiction books. 
• I never wanted to move outside of my home state and then I got the opportunity to do so. We moved back and I'm itching to move somewhere else. 
• I rarely feel content. I need to fix that. 
• Cuss words are my favorite thing to say when I'm around other adults. 
• I love hoop earrings. The bigger the hoop the better 
• I am obsessed with minivans. I love my minivan (and the fact that she's paid off) and will drive her until she quits on me, but I am always checking out other minivans anticipating which one I will get next. Haha
• I can be impatient and bossy. I assume it has to do with my birth order (first born) and the fact that I'm a Leo. 
• I am my own worst critic 
• My life has revolved around my mister and the herd for so long it is scary to start focusing on me. 
• Target is my jam! I would give them all our money if we didn't have bills to pay
• Amazon prime is the second best thing to Target. 
• I'm funny, witty and I always laugh at my jokes
• To-do lists are my favorite thing to write. My least favorite thing to write are papers, but I do it. 
• Cooking is something I have gotten better with over the years, but I don't always enjoy it. 
• Grocery shopping is my foe 
• I wish I was bilingual, but I'm not so that sucks 
• Colored ink and new planners/calendars make my heart happy! 
• I spend too much money on eyeshadow palettes
• Shopping cures any bad day
• Handbags are my weakness
• Organizing and rearranging things makes me feel accomplished
• Clutter and I are not friends 
• I don't enjoy change, but I don't like things always being the same 
• I'm difficult and complicated at times so it seems like I'm hard to please. Reality is I'm not content and I don't always know what I want.
• Running a household is a lot of work, who knew adulting wasn't that much fun?! 
• I overthink things and I often overshare 
• I raise my voice at my kids
• I'm not perfect but I'm me and that's where I'm going to end this tonight. 

Until next time, 

xoxo

Word of the Year

(Via) 

Over the past couple of years I have seen the "Word of the Year" posts and I always thought that I should do that. I would spend so much time procrastinating thinking about it that it would eventually be forgotten until the following year when those posts would start popping in my reading list. I have been kicking around a handful of words for a little over a week now, and I believe that I finally found one that will provide great meaning for me in 2016.

INTENTIONAL

There have been so many nights where I have been laying in bed at night reflecting on my day and how much time was wasted by doing nothing. After my family has left for the day I make myself some breakfast, throw in a load of laundry, and flip on the television (either Lifetime Movie Network or HGTV) to keep me company while I eat. The next thing I know it's the middle of the afternoon and I am rushing around trying to get things crossed off my to do list because I wasted a day doing....I don't even know what. I feel that I can be incredibly wasteful with time, even money, if I am not paying attention.

To be honest, I really thought my word of the year was going to be "focus", because I've always got my attention spread out everywhere. However, I feel that by being intentional I will be able to focus more on the important things.

The areas that I want to really be intentional with are my relationships with my husband, my kids, my family, my friends, myself, with God, our finances, and my time.

To be intentional with all of the different relationships in my life, I want to give not only my time but my attention as well. I need to have conversations, play games, watch movies, enjoy their company without the distractions of technology. I need to make sure that my husband and I make the time for each other. I need to spend quality time with my kids, as well as with my stepkids. I want to make the time to see my friends and hang out with my parents, siblings, nephews and niece. It is important to make my time with them count.

This is the year that I start being more intentional with myself. I tend to be a people pleaser and make sure that others are taken care of and happy before I take the time to take care of me. I have goals for myself and I want to make the time to do that. It may be that I have to pencil this time for me into my To-Do list, but that's okay as long as I am getting it done.

I don't really want to discuss my relationship with God quite yet on my blog, as I feel it is something that I'm still trying to figure out. Just know that it is something I want to continue to work on.

Finances is a big thing that I need to start being more intentional with. I have been dabbling in the Dave Ramsey podcasts, books, and teachings for the last year or so. However, it's only half assed. It's time to crack the whip, get our budget in shape and work on cleaning up the debt. I would love to be debt free by the time my oldest graduates high school, which means we have 5 years to get that done. That may sound like a lot of time, but lord knows it will fly by in the blink of an eye!

Lastly, I want to be intentional with my time. I would like to spend more time being productive than not.

This year I am looking forward to living more in the moment and enjoying the moments as they come!

Until next time,

xoxo

Power Struggle

I don't really remember much of my childhood and my teenage years. I have many memories of both, of course, but the memories are of significant things that happened not the mundane every day life things. I know that I was a difficult teenager and I don't know how my parents survived, but they did, and that gives me some hope.

There is always a power struggle between parents and their child(ren). The child(ren) wants to be able to express themselves, use their voice, and be in control of their life. Parents, on the other hand, have a job to do with raising them and a certain way they want to do it. Of course we want our child(ren) to express themselves, find their voice and make their own choices. However, we want them to do it on our terms. 

It seems to me the older the kids get the more they want to push back against me and stand on their own two feet. However, they aren't at a place yet where they are willing to accept the consequences of their actions. They want to do things when and how they want, but when it doesn't work out like they thought it would it must be someone else's fault. No responsibility is taken by them for their choice; instead they make excuses and point blame everywhere but where it belongs. 

Don't get me wrong, I have no doubt that is exactly how I behaved as a teenager. I know my parents, especially my father, preached about owning up and taking responsibility for ourselves. I can only speak for myself, but I do know that I was pretty good at taking ownership of my actions. I am not perfect and neither are my kids. This is something that I need to remind myself of from time to time.

The power struggle between a stepparent and their stepchild(rent) is at a very different level than that of a biological relationship. I am a custodial stepmom, which means my step kids live with us full time and I am a key player in how they're being raised and their daily well being. While I do all the same things for my step kids that I do my biological kids, I am constantly reminded that I am nothing more than a stepmom. When, where, how did being a stepmom become such a negative thing? I love and care for these kids every single day. The expectations are that I do all of the work that a "real" mom does, but get none of the respect. I get it, life's not fair, but damn is it ever frustrating.

Anyway, just some food for thought.

Until next time,

xoxo

New Year, New Me?

(Via)

It's the 3rd of January, so it is probably safe to say hundreds (maybe even thousands) of resolutions have been broken already! I personally don't make resolutions. I don't see the point. There is so much focus on starting fresh because it is a new year. Every morning you are given a new day to create a fresh start. Why put so much pressure on yourself to create a new you because it is a new year? I know that, for me, I am constantly changing. When I want to make new changes in my life I don't do wait for January 1st to do it, I make the change when I'm ready for it. 

I don't know what the statistics are for people that actually stick to their new years resolutions, but I believe it is relatively low. Every year on my birthday I create a bucket list of things I would like to achieve before my next birthday. I love making lists and I find it is less pressure for me if I am setting these goals in August. In the past (when I used to make resolutions) I would get so much negativity if I didn't stick with it. 

(Via)

It is so crazy how much as changed in the last 12 months. In 2015 we...

*moved 1200 miles for my Misters job; 

*bought our first home together; 

*are officially parents of a teenager; 

*rode all the roller coasters at Cedar Point in Ohio; 

*said goodbye to our friends turned family 

*said hello to family, as we moved right next door to my hometown; 

*made new friends and caught up with old friends. 

I have a lot of things to look forward to in 2016! Some of the things I'm looking forward to..

*going back to school to get a certificate to become a state licensed Drug & Alcohol Counselor; 

*I'm waiting to find out whether or not I will be accepted back into Graduate School to finish my Masters Program; 

*our boys will turn double digits; 

*our other daughter will be a teenager; 

*some house projects; 

*paying off debt on the Dave Ramsey program;

*being able to watch my niece and nephew's dance recital in the spring; 

*spending time with my family and my friends;

*family vacations.  

(Via)

 For 2016 I wish everyone a year of health and happiness! May you have a blessed year!

Until next time,

xoxo

Counting my Blessings

I am sitting here on the eve of Christmas Eve and I am thinking about all the time I waste on negative thoughts and feelings. This past week someone very important in my son's life lost their father to suicide. My heart absolutely breaks for them. Death is hard to begin with, but to lose someone unexpectedly and by their own hand is devastating. Life is so precious and should not be taken for granted, yet there are so many moments that are. I don't try to be ungrateful for my life and my blessings, but I know that at times I am. Tonight I want to refocus on my energy, my thoughts, and my feelings towards the positive. Tonight I am counting my blessings.

I am blessed...

* to have a loving husband
* with four healthy and happy (well when I'm not "ruining" their preteen/teenage lives) kids
* with good health
* to have such loving and supporting parents
* to have a house that we have made a home
* to have meaningful friendships
* with kindness and love in my heart
* to have the best siblings and nieces and nephews on the planet!
* with a husband who works super hard so that I can be home with the kids
* to have a husband who supports me 100%
* with children that love me unconditionally
* to have the cutest and cuddliest cats

Tonight, and every night, I am blessed to be alive.

Until next time,

xoxo

Motherhood

Fear is something that has a tendency to hold us back, especially me. I used to be such a free spirit who would jump head first into things and worry about the consequences later. There are a lot of days where I miss that girl. I think the fear took over when I became a mother and I was responsible for the life of someone else.

Do you know who fear's best friend is? Worry! I worry a lot. I worry about things that I have absolutely no control over, especially my kids. I don't want to micromanage my children, I know that they need to have room to grow, they need to make mistakes and learn from them. I cannot solve all of their problems, trust me when I say that I want to. I worry about losing them. I worry about them losing me. I worry about who they're hanging around with, whether or not they'll make the right choice when I'm not there to make sure they do. I have spent the last 13 years worrying and I don't foresee it slowing down anytime soon.

These two beautiful human beings I brought into this world consume my heart. They are my biggest accomplishments and the best things that have ever happened to me. I am learning to let go of my (excessive) worries and fears...Let go and let God. The biggest lesson I am trying to implement at this stage in my life is "Let your faith be bigger than your fear".

A mother's greatest gift is the love of her children.

(Via)

Until next time, 

xxoo

New beginnings...

I have been bouncing around the idea of starting a new blog for a couple of weeks now, as I have been feeling like I need to do something that is about and for me. I have an old blog that is still floating around on the world wide web, but I just felt that it would be easier to start fresh. So…here I am! I hope now that I've finally gotten around to creating this space, I will quit thinking about it at bedtime and actually be able to get some sleep! 

There is so much newness going on around me that I haven't actually had time to process it all yet. Three months ago our family moved 1200 miles from the southeast coast to the midwest, as my husband's job has relocated us…such is the life of military families. We ended up getting stationed in my home state and we plan on retiring here one day, so we bought our first marital home. I am absolutely obsessed with our new home. I hate living in chaos, so our house was all unpacked within the first two weeks of us living here. #beastmode While I am back where I came from, life is different here this time. I don't know if I can really explain it, but I am going to try. I do love that I am close to my friends and family; I just can't help but miss my friends that became my family over the past 4 years. They have all left their imprints on my heart and I hope that one day our lives will cross paths again. 

The kids are back in school now and thriving in their new environments. They have been making a lot of new friends through their activities (running club, football, soccer, and volleyball) and at their new schools. I have been meeting new people, as well as catching up with old friends. The Mister is kicking butt at his new job, but that's not really much of a surprise as he's kind of a badass! 

Dinner should be here shortly (it is delivery not DiGiorno's), so I'm going to get my kids fed, turn on some football and wait for my Mister to get home. 

Take it easy and have a great night! 

Until next time, 

xxoo