Word of the Year

(Via) 

Over the past couple of years I have seen the "Word of the Year" posts and I always thought that I should do that. I would spend so much time procrastinating thinking about it that it would eventually be forgotten until the following year when those posts would start popping in my reading list. I have been kicking around a handful of words for a little over a week now, and I believe that I finally found one that will provide great meaning for me in 2016.

INTENTIONAL

There have been so many nights where I have been laying in bed at night reflecting on my day and how much time was wasted by doing nothing. After my family has left for the day I make myself some breakfast, throw in a load of laundry, and flip on the television (either Lifetime Movie Network or HGTV) to keep me company while I eat. The next thing I know it's the middle of the afternoon and I am rushing around trying to get things crossed off my to do list because I wasted a day doing....I don't even know what. I feel that I can be incredibly wasteful with time, even money, if I am not paying attention.

To be honest, I really thought my word of the year was going to be "focus", because I've always got my attention spread out everywhere. However, I feel that by being intentional I will be able to focus more on the important things.

The areas that I want to really be intentional with are my relationships with my husband, my kids, my family, my friends, myself, with God, our finances, and my time.

To be intentional with all of the different relationships in my life, I want to give not only my time but my attention as well. I need to have conversations, play games, watch movies, enjoy their company without the distractions of technology. I need to make sure that my husband and I make the time for each other. I need to spend quality time with my kids, as well as with my stepkids. I want to make the time to see my friends and hang out with my parents, siblings, nephews and niece. It is important to make my time with them count.

This is the year that I start being more intentional with myself. I tend to be a people pleaser and make sure that others are taken care of and happy before I take the time to take care of me. I have goals for myself and I want to make the time to do that. It may be that I have to pencil this time for me into my To-Do list, but that's okay as long as I am getting it done.

I don't really want to discuss my relationship with God quite yet on my blog, as I feel it is something that I'm still trying to figure out. Just know that it is something I want to continue to work on.

Finances is a big thing that I need to start being more intentional with. I have been dabbling in the Dave Ramsey podcasts, books, and teachings for the last year or so. However, it's only half assed. It's time to crack the whip, get our budget in shape and work on cleaning up the debt. I would love to be debt free by the time my oldest graduates high school, which means we have 5 years to get that done. That may sound like a lot of time, but lord knows it will fly by in the blink of an eye!

Lastly, I want to be intentional with my time. I would like to spend more time being productive than not.

This year I am looking forward to living more in the moment and enjoying the moments as they come!

Until next time,

xoxo

Power Struggle

I don't really remember much of my childhood and my teenage years. I have many memories of both, of course, but the memories are of significant things that happened not the mundane every day life things. I know that I was a difficult teenager and I don't know how my parents survived, but they did, and that gives me some hope.

There is always a power struggle between parents and their child(ren). The child(ren) wants to be able to express themselves, use their voice, and be in control of their life. Parents, on the other hand, have a job to do with raising them and a certain way they want to do it. Of course we want our child(ren) to express themselves, find their voice and make their own choices. However, we want them to do it on our terms. 

It seems to me the older the kids get the more they want to push back against me and stand on their own two feet. However, they aren't at a place yet where they are willing to accept the consequences of their actions. They want to do things when and how they want, but when it doesn't work out like they thought it would it must be someone else's fault. No responsibility is taken by them for their choice; instead they make excuses and point blame everywhere but where it belongs. 

Don't get me wrong, I have no doubt that is exactly how I behaved as a teenager. I know my parents, especially my father, preached about owning up and taking responsibility for ourselves. I can only speak for myself, but I do know that I was pretty good at taking ownership of my actions. I am not perfect and neither are my kids. This is something that I need to remind myself of from time to time.

The power struggle between a stepparent and their stepchild(rent) is at a very different level than that of a biological relationship. I am a custodial stepmom, which means my step kids live with us full time and I am a key player in how they're being raised and their daily well being. While I do all the same things for my step kids that I do my biological kids, I am constantly reminded that I am nothing more than a stepmom. When, where, how did being a stepmom become such a negative thing? I love and care for these kids every single day. The expectations are that I do all of the work that a "real" mom does, but get none of the respect. I get it, life's not fair, but damn is it ever frustrating.

Anyway, just some food for thought.

Until next time,

xoxo

New Year, New Me?

(Via)

It's the 3rd of January, so it is probably safe to say hundreds (maybe even thousands) of resolutions have been broken already! I personally don't make resolutions. I don't see the point. There is so much focus on starting fresh because it is a new year. Every morning you are given a new day to create a fresh start. Why put so much pressure on yourself to create a new you because it is a new year? I know that, for me, I am constantly changing. When I want to make new changes in my life I don't do wait for January 1st to do it, I make the change when I'm ready for it. 

I don't know what the statistics are for people that actually stick to their new years resolutions, but I believe it is relatively low. Every year on my birthday I create a bucket list of things I would like to achieve before my next birthday. I love making lists and I find it is less pressure for me if I am setting these goals in August. In the past (when I used to make resolutions) I would get so much negativity if I didn't stick with it. 

(Via)

It is so crazy how much as changed in the last 12 months. In 2015 we...

*moved 1200 miles for my Misters job; 

*bought our first home together; 

*are officially parents of a teenager; 

*rode all the roller coasters at Cedar Point in Ohio; 

*said goodbye to our friends turned family 

*said hello to family, as we moved right next door to my hometown; 

*made new friends and caught up with old friends. 

I have a lot of things to look forward to in 2016! Some of the things I'm looking forward to..

*going back to school to get a certificate to become a state licensed Drug & Alcohol Counselor; 

*I'm waiting to find out whether or not I will be accepted back into Graduate School to finish my Masters Program; 

*our boys will turn double digits; 

*our other daughter will be a teenager; 

*some house projects; 

*paying off debt on the Dave Ramsey program;

*being able to watch my niece and nephew's dance recital in the spring; 

*spending time with my family and my friends;

*family vacations.  

(Via)

 For 2016 I wish everyone a year of health and happiness! May you have a blessed year!

Until next time,

xoxo

Counting my Blessings

I am sitting here on the eve of Christmas Eve and I am thinking about all the time I waste on negative thoughts and feelings. This past week someone very important in my son's life lost their father to suicide. My heart absolutely breaks for them. Death is hard to begin with, but to lose someone unexpectedly and by their own hand is devastating. Life is so precious and should not be taken for granted, yet there are so many moments that are. I don't try to be ungrateful for my life and my blessings, but I know that at times I am. Tonight I want to refocus on my energy, my thoughts, and my feelings towards the positive. Tonight I am counting my blessings.

I am blessed...

* to have a loving husband
* with four healthy and happy (well when I'm not "ruining" their preteen/teenage lives) kids
* with good health
* to have such loving and supporting parents
* to have a house that we have made a home
* to have meaningful friendships
* with kindness and love in my heart
* to have the best siblings and nieces and nephews on the planet!
* with a husband who works super hard so that I can be home with the kids
* to have a husband who supports me 100%
* with children that love me unconditionally
* to have the cutest and cuddliest cats

Tonight, and every night, I am blessed to be alive.

Until next time,

xoxo

Monday Mumblings

When I had a life outside of my home I would dread Mondays like everyone else, but now I have no real feelings about it. My Mondays usually consist of piles of laundry, creating my to do list for the week, and decorating my planner. I fell of the gym wagon and I need to get back on it and soon! I am feeling frumpy again so the sooner I get back into my routine the better. 

Last week I read "The Girl on the Train" and it was amazing! This week I am reading "The Gift of Fear" and I have only managed to get through one chapter so far. I've had this book now for over a year, as I got it from the instructor of the Self Defense class that my girls and I took. I know it is a book that I will get a lot out of. 

Christmas is only a few weeks away at this point and I've got nothing done. We brought the tree in from the garage, but it has been sitting in it's box for over a week now. It's on my list for this week so I hope that I can get it before the weekend. We are doing the Four Rules of Christmas (Want, Need, Wear, and Read) this year for our kids and they've been working on their lists. I am really excited to see what they will be asking for. I hope that they are putting some good thought into it. The Mister and I will also be doing this for each other, including a stocking for us this year as well! I have had a really hard time coming up with ideas for my list. There isn't anything I can think of that I really want. I did put down a Rose Gold Apple Watch, because I think it is beautiful, but it is not realistically in our budget. I find that the older I get the less things I can think of that I want. It may be because if I need really need something I just go and buy it. Who knew it making a wish list could be so stressful?! 

The boys had their first ever wrestling tournament over the weekend. They both did a wonderful job and they both placed 2nd! I am so proud of them. They have a home wrestling tournament next weekend and we are required to volunteer at it. I received an email today that said if you didn't volunteer they would charge you $200. Ummm what?! I absolutely think that is crap! We parents already spend a lot of money for our kids to participate in these activities and then we are going to get charged an insane amount of money if we don't volunteer? I didn't sign a contract that said I agreed to this, so I'm not sure that they could enforce it. However, I don't want my kids kicked out of this club because of it. I feel that this information should be provided at registration. Anyway, enough about that. 

The last couple of days have been rough on me emotionally. Adulting is so hard sometimes and I don't always deal with it well. Between hormones, the first anniversary of the death of my aunt, and the missed communications between me and the Mister I just want to curl up on the couch and cry. I won't...or maybe I will...I don't know. I do know that sometimes a good cry makes you feel better. 

I spend too much time in my head so I come here to write and then I feel like I can't get it all out like I want. 

Today makes 4 weeks until I go back to school! I am so excited to do be doing something for me. 

These Monday night football games lately have been so intense! Game is almost over so I'm signing off and heading to bed. 

Until next time, 

xxoo

Inconsiderate

I really cannot stand it when people are inconsiderate. I strive to be polite, thoughtful, and considerate on a daily basis, as that is how I was raised. I am human so I am flawed. I don't always show the best side of myself, but more often than not I do. I am aware of others feelings and how valuable their thoughts and time is, so I do my best to be considerate of that. 

My issue is that a lot of the time the same consideration and courtesy that I extend towards others is not reciprocated, and it is especially frustrating when it comes from friends and family. I sometimes feel that since I put forth quite a bit of effort and make myself available for them that the same would be returned. When it is not, I get frustrated and let my feelings get hurt. 

I don't really know what to do at this point, as I have had the same conversation 10 times over and nothing has changed. It is literally to the point know where I either need to step back and make myself less available, or I accept it for what it is and stop letting it hurt me. I am quick to take a stand for others, but have a hard time taking a stand for myself. When I do stand up for myself it is usually when I have hit my breaking point and I am so frustrated and emotional that it accomplishes nothing! I want to be heard. I want to be acknowledge. I want to be appreciated. A lot of the time I feel that I am not getting any of those things. It is going to drive me crazy if something doesn't change. The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting the different results. Guess that means it's time to find a different approach....

Until next time

xxoo 

Unsettled

This is not the first time I've felt this way, I went through something similar 4 years ago with my first move. I was in a new state where I didn't know a soul and had no family or friends to help me out. My Mister worked a lot of hours and it was up to me to tend to the house and the kids. It was overwhelming at first, but eventually we got into a routine that worked for us. As the years went by I became more confident in my abilities to deal with the tough situations without having my parents there to bail me out if I needed them to. I feel that I truly became an independent adult during this time. Prior to getting married I was a single mom who relied on my parents help quite a bit when I was struggling. I am forever grateful for the love and the support that my parents have given me throughout my life.

During those four years I couldn't wait to come back home. I wanted so desperately to go back. I was having such a hard time trying to find me, as my entire identity was back home. This shitty attitude of mine caused tension between the Mister and myself, as I was projecting my frustrations with myself onto him. Totally unfair, but true nonetheless. It was somewhere in my third year there that I lost the attitude and decided to embrace the situation. I was making friends, volunteering my time coaching some of the kids sports, playing sports myself. I had made this place my home and I had a life there.

He was going to get out. We were going to move back to my hometown, that's what I thought I wanted. He received an opportunity that was to good to pass up and it would be stupid to let it pass. It took me a long ass time to realize that home is where my husband and kids are, so no matter where we were going to be assigned next, it was going to be home. Things have a funny way of working out and here we are back in my hometown, exactly where I whined about coming back to. Now that we are here, I am not sure how I feel. People ask me all the time if I'm happy to be back and, to be brutally honest, I'm not. I can't put my finger on what it is that makes feel this way, but I think it is because so much has changed in these past four years. I feel like I should be doing something more with my life now that I'm "home". I hate feeling so unsettled.

One of the other things that bothers me the most is that people that people expect me to go back to the way things were before, my "old life". I don't want to. I struggle with the fact that certain people don't accept my changes and push really hard for the me they used to know. I need my space. I have literally only relied on myself these past four years and I'm okay with that. I NEED my boundaries to be respected. I also need to acknowledge that these people have missed me and the kids. While I tend to feel suffocated and annoyed by certain things, I need to make a conscious effort to remember that they are coming from a place of love. They need to take the time to get to know our family unit as a whole and it's going to take longer than the 5 months that we have been here.

I go back to school in a month. It is not the graduate program that I was once a part of (and so desperately want to go back to); I won't hear the status of that for a few more months. I'm not sure how I feel about this upcoming change. It was never my aspiration to become a stay at home mom, but now that I am one, I can't imagine not being here every day when the kids come home from school. I don't want to overwhelm myself, but I don't want to let anyone down either. I need to find a good balance of what I want to do with my life. The answers aren't going to be found overnight. All I can do is take one day at a time and do the best I can with it.

Gosh this felt really good to get out. I am hopeful that typing these words out will help me sleep tonight with a clear mind.

Until next time,
xoxo